Trick Of The Night: A LitRPG/GameLit Adventure (The Bad Guys Book 8) Read online

  TRICK OF THE NIGHT

  ERIC UGLAND

  AIR QUOTES PUBLISHING INC.

  Air Quotes Publishing, Inc.

  V 1.0

  Copyright © 2022 Eric Ugland

  Cover by Sarah Anderson/No Synonym

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This is a work of Fiction. Of Fantasy. All of the characters in this novel and series are fictional and any resemblance to people living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental and surprising. Mentions of places are incidental, accidental, and mostly inconsequential. The magic and spells have been researched in absolutely no way whatsoever, and any ill-effects after you attempt to cast them are completely on you. Kobolds are tiny dragons, not dog-like things.

  Also, none of these gods are real gods, they’re all made up and they didn’t make me say that on pain of disintegration, that’s pure hearsay.

  Brunhilde -

  I’m looking forward to meeting you,

  and telling you a lifetime of stories.

  1

  We were heading to the City of Darkness to complete one more quest before heading home.

  Oh, and someone let Raynor tag along with us.

  Or, more appropriately, Raynor somehow wound up onboard, and no one thought to ask him to leave before we shipped off. We sailed into the sunset, ignoring the completely ruined town we’d just rescued. I mean, we weren’t equipped to help people rebuild a damn community, especially if any people in that community realized that I was the one who murdered their friends, children, relatives. Granted, I saved them as well, but I also killed a fair share of them to do so. I also didn’t want any of them to remember me as the guy who’d autopsied a friend in front of them.

  So, yeah, a quick departure made a lot of sense.

  Now, we didn’t exactly go far. We pulled the same maneuver as before, sailing toward the horizon and then hooking a sharp right to go north up the coast until we found our favorite little anchor spot near the cliffs.

  It was night by the time we got in place. Somehow Lux had managed to get the galley up and running, and we had a large steaming pot of fish something or other. Not quite mystery meat stew, more like mystery fish soup. But it was warm and made with love. Or, you know, something akin to affection.

  As we ate, there was little chatter. I think everyone was shell-shocked over the events of the previous week. And probably also a little distracted by the pile of sacks and crates in the corner. Our spoils from the looted mansions of Furtaxo.

  Nox Kvist had an ancient-looking tome resting next to his bowl of soup. I could tell he was perplexed with life, because for once he wasn’t actually reading. His face looked thin and pinched, and like he hadn’t seen the sun in quite some time. Kind of impressive that he maintained that pallor, considering all the time the whole group spent outdoors. I wondered how he even made the trips with us, considering how thin he’d become. Or maybe always had been. These days, without his black robes swirling around him, it was easier to see his gaunt frame. He seemed uncomfortable having to wear trousers and shirts. Maybe because he preferred space to secret books around his bony body.

  Lux, his adopted sister, sat next to him, eyes sparkling and beautiful as always. She had some sort of preternatural capability to look pretty no matter our circumstances. Also clean. She wore gowns into caves and came out with, like, designer streaks of mud and cool rips in them. On that night, her blonde hair almost perfectly framed her face, and her blue gown made her eyes pop, all the while highlighting her body quite well indeed.

  Opposite Lux, in both position and demeanor, sat Rose. She had reddish hair and incredibly vibrant green eyes, as well as a gnarly scar down her jawline. Her cheeks were round, almost like she was chubby, but she was incredibly muscular. Though that was more conjecture, because she most always kept herself in full armor.

  Harpy Sarden was the only one of us who seemed somewhere in the neighborhood of relaxed. But he was a long-time sailor, so it made sense for him to be happier on the water, the gentle slap of waves against the hull of our commandeered barque. He slurped his soup with ease, somehow navigating the spoon and soup through his magnificent white mustache and beard with no drips accumulating. He tapped his bare feet on the floor to some beat, but whatever song it was, I couldn’t tell.

  Next to him was Raynor, the newest member of our little family, who was pretending to be happy and go-lucky, like Harpy, but I definitely sensed an undercurrent of nerves. Like we might be tricking him in some manner, or waiting to kill him in the middle of the night. He kept looking like he was about to drop some joke onto the group, but then would suddenly rethink things and return to his soup.

  Grim the grimeling, a little monster that looked kind of like a monkey with big droopy bunny ears, snuck from his hiding spot in my hood, down the back of my chair, and up the back of Raynor’s chair. I, and likely everyone else, saw the little monster perched up over Raynor’s shoulder. When Raynor took a pause from a particularly juicy morsel of abalone, Grim reached out and snagged the meat off the spoon.

  Raynor, once again deciding not to speak, put the empty spoon in his mouth and looked confused.

  Grim hung on the back of the chair and chowed down with glee.

  I sat at the head of the table, eating the soup, trying to make sense of what was going on with the world. And, you know, my place within it.

  Oh, also there was a massive mimic hanging out against the wall, currently pretending to be a large chest with plenty of fancy locks — a secret we were still keeping from Raynor.

  “Are we still going to the City of Darkness?” Lux asked, breaking the silence.

  “I think so,” I said.

  “She brings up a good point,” Nox said. “What are our plans?”

  “The City of Darkness?” Raynor asked.

  “No reason to deviate from the quest,” Harpy said. “Not when there be adventure afoot.”

  “I would still like to go,” Rose said.

  “Once again,” Raynor interjected, “the City of Darkness?”

  “I feel I have to go,” Lux said. “I would prefer with you, Clyde, and this party. But—“

  “I get it,” I said. “You have been nothing but clear on your feelings on the matter. No one has said anything to the contrary—”

  “And yet we stop and have a little, what, adventure here?”

  “This was necessary.”

  “Was it?”

  “Did you see what happened to that town?”

  “Yes.”

  “You realize how bad that would be if it spread to a larger city?”

  “Obviously I can see the implications. But do you think it actually would have happened? I think the only reason that thing grabbed a toehold here is because this is a place of backwater idiots.”

  “Bit harsh,” Raynor said quietly.

  “And,” Lux continued unabated, “I saw what we got from completing the quest! Hardly seems like we were rewarded adequately for something supposedly world-ending.”

  “I’ll give you that,” I said, “but maybe there’s something to the fact that we didn’t really end things as much as just, I guess, put them off a while.”

  “Explain,” Harpy said sharply.

  “Well, we didn’t actually kill the thing, did we?”

  “Define thing in this context,” Nox said.

  “The awshit?” Harpy offered.

  “I really wi
sh we could find a better name for it,” I said.

  “And who is to blame for that?” Rose asked.

  Several fingers suddenly pointed at me. At which point, Grim pointed at me as well. I frowned at the little monster. I think he smiled back? Tough to read grimeling facial expressions.

  “Yeah, get that, but still,” I said. “And yes, I am talking about the awshit.”

  “You didn’t kill it?” Harpy asked.

  “Did you get a kill notice?”

  “I did not…”

  “Exactly.”

  “Where is it?”

  I pointed to the bag hanging off a hook on the wall.

  A silence settled on the room as all eyes settled on the bag.

  “The thing capable of ending the world is in that bag?” Lux asked.

  “Presumably capable of ending the world,” I said. “Hey, did we just flip sides in the argument?”

  “Maybe. But that’s just another point to my initial claim that it isn’t world-ending.”

  “Can you two just stop?” Rose asked. “What are we actually arguing about?”

  “Might be more’n one thing at this point, lass,” Harpy said, spearing a piece of fish from the large pot in the center of the table.

  Lux frowned and smacked his hand. She pointed to the ladle.

  “The initial plan was to head to the City of Darkness,” I said. “I am still committed to that.”

  “Which is why we went the opposite direction just now,” Lux asked. “Aren’t we supposed to head south before going west?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “But you have some other quest you want to complete first? Some other nonsense to keep me from what it is I have been born to do?”

  “Hey! No, that’s not what’s happening here.”

  “Seems like it.”

  “How much do you know about sailing?” I asked.

  “Not much,” she replied.

  “This boat is a bit big for the five of us here.”

  “’Tis a ship,” Harpy said. “And there’s six.”

  “Exactly,” I replied, then paused. “Wait, what?”

  “Six,” Harpy said. “Me, you, Lux, Nox, Rose, Raynor. Six.”

  “Right. Sorry. Six. The six of us can’t crew this ship.”

  “Lad’s right on that count. We be needin’ four souls at each mast, at least four belowdecks, a helms person, a carpenter, a cook, and a quartermaster.”

  “We have three masts, so that means twelve sailors, four more sailors below decks, and four specialized tradespeople for the rest of the ship.”

  “And that still be quite the skeleton crew aboard. Nothin’ close to ideal considerin’ we’re aimin’ to cross the ocean by our lonesome.”

  “Aren’t exactly alone if there’s six of us,” Raynor said.

  Harpy shot such a dark look at the former brigand that Raynor suddenly became very interested in his soup. He busied himself looking for his spoon, which was now in Grim’s thieving little hands.

  “Only fools try the ocean alone,” Harpy said, almost to himself. “For certain on a ship this small.”

  “Small?” I asked.

  “For the crossin’ of the ocean? Aye. For us’n a few more, the holds’ll store enough food, might’n even be enough water But for a full crew on a long voyage? Not a chance.”

  I pointed over at Harpy while looking at Lux.

  “That’s the crux of the matter,” I said. “We have too few sailors to make the trip south, and too few ships to make the trip west. And apparently, on top of all that, this ship is too small. Although I can probably get us more than enough water.”

  “What’s the plan then?” Lux asked. “Steal the Carchedonian navy?”

  “That would be pretty epic,” I said. “But as far as I know, they’re busy blockading Glaton at present. I was thinking we head to the next port up—“

  “Naraggara,” Harpy interjected.

  “Right,” I said. “Naraggara. We go there and hire on a crew.”

  “With what gold?” Lux asked. “We spent damn near everything getting from Raim to here. And now we have to forage for food and wait for you to magic in our water.”

  “What’s wrong with magic water?” I asked. “I filled all the damn barrels.”

  “Pity you’ve yet to learn to make a portal to the plane of Rum,” Harpy muttered.

  “I’ll be sure to work on that one,” I snapped.

  “See that ya do,” Harpy snapped right back. “Might’n be the only way we get some able bodies aboard.”

  “Might I just get a point of clarification?” Raynor asked.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What exactly is the City of Darkness?” he asked.

  As if on cue, the lights went out on the ship.

  2

  The cabin went immediately and completely dark. Which was weird, considering it’s not like someone could cut the power. Or that we’d forgotten to pay a bill. We had candles and glowstones, and yet, somehow, someone had managed to drop darkness on us. Weirder, though: it was also remarkably quiet. Not completely silent, but muffled. Forcibly so.

  Immediately, the humans at the table began scrambling.

  The door burst in, and footsteps thundered across the wooden deck.

  A quick flash into darkvision, and I saw armed and armored figures pouring in so fast I couldn’t count.

  Not knowing what else to do, I pulled the ultimate toddler move and slid under the table.

  I tried to count legs, but it was a maelstrom in the captain’s quarters, all sorts of fighting going on. Well, calling it fighting was being generous. It was struggling and subduing. With my party being the ones subdued.

  And all of it happened really damn fast.

  After a matter of seconds, all of my party members had been tied up.

  “Where is the elf?” a voice said.

  “He was here,” someone replied.

  “I saw him— yaaaarp—” a third person shouted as Hellion the mimic slurped them down.

  “What was that?” the first voice asked.

  I grabbed a dagger from my belt, rolled over, and stabbed it into the nearest boot, through to the deck below.

  Another scream.

  I left the dagger in the boot and rolled back underneath the table.

  “Yalarap!” shouted someone else as Hellion struck again.

  I had to do something, but my main battle-rattle was dropping fire in mass quantities, and it’s not like I could do that. I needed more spells. Rather, I needed to know what the hell I had at my fingertips.

  A quick thought, and my spell-list hung in the air at the side of my vision.

  Spells

  Lifeform Identification (Lvl 1)

  Basic Object Identification (Lvl 1)

  Minor Illusion (Lvl 1)

  Summon Familiar (Lvl 1)

  Minor Heal Self (Lvl 3)

  Stamina Regeneration (Lvl 5)

  Zeddington’s Infinite Key (Lvl 1)

  Silent Image (Lvl 1)

  Detect Secret Doors (Lvl 1)

  Satisfaction (Lvl 1)

  Summon Outsider Guardian (Lvl 1)

  Hold Monster (Lvl 44)

  Hold Humanoid (Lvl 23)

  Banish Undead (Lvl 10)

  True Vision of Shadows (Lvl 1)

  Vaux’s Brilliance (Lvl 1)

  Mage Hand (Lvl 1)

  Turn Undead (Lvl 1)

  Animate Minor Object (Lvl 1)

  Force Burst (Lvl 1)

  Finger of the Stone God (Lvl 1)

  Fireball (Lvl 1)

  Summon Imp (Lvl 1)

  Summon Celestial Ally (Lvl 1)

  Summon Infernal Ally (Lvl 1)

  Flamedart (Lvl 1)

  Fill Minor Hole (Lvl 1)

  Sticky Fireball (Lvl 8)

  Flameweaving (Lvl 3)

  Firespear (Lvl 2)

  Acid Arrow (Lvl 12)

  Acid Glob (Lvl 18)

  Snowball Storm (Lvl 1)

  Counterspell (Lvl 11)
r />   Light Orb (Lvl 2)

  Shield (Lvl 3)

  Remote Enflame (Lvl 1)

  Minor Wind (Lvl 22)

  Major Wind (Lvl 10)

  Minor Elemental Gateway (Lvl 1)

  Mending (Lvl 1)

  Light Self – Storage (Lvl 1)

  Silence Other (Lvl 9)

  Featherfall (Lvl 1)

  Greater Identification (Lvl 1)

  Create Life

  Sphere of Darkness (Lvl 1)

  Greater Blink

  Animate Flesh (Lvl 41)

  A gigantic bulk of the spells was useless. I saw a lot of stuff I’d never bothered to try out, and now wasn’t the right time. There were also the spells not listed that I knew I knew, all the necromantic ones. But I didn’t want to use any of them unless I had to. They were the spells of last resort.

  That thought made me think of the awshit in the bag of holding... which wasn’t on my belt. It was still hanging on a hook in the captain’s quarters. Which meant it was in prime snatching and peeking territory. As much as I didn’t find any qualms in hurting or killing those who’d come to hurt or kill me, doing it via the awshit was just a bad time waiting to happen for everyone involved.

  Better to make it a bad time for our uninvited guests.

  I grabbed for a dagger from my belt.

  No daggers.

  Oh come on.

  I needed to take a page from Rose’s short book on life and keep myself armed at all times. Probably armored as well. A quick count of feet, and there were still eight people in the room. Or sixteen, if they were all one-legged. Or, you know, two if they were spiders.

  Math was not helping me in this particular situation.

  Something heavy slammed against the table. I heard it crack.

  I fired off acid arrows at each and every leg. The angry green arrows almost glowed in the darkness as they shot at their targets.

  Screams and sizzles filled the air.

  Still, the table was not the place to be. I clenched my eyes tight and cast Vaux’s Brilliance, hoping it would affect those currently looking through the dark.

  The cabin lit up, almost painfully so, and I heard an immediate series of screams.