Home Siege Home: A LitRPG/GameLit Novel (The Good Guys Book 6) Read online

  Home Siege Home

  The Good Guys Book Six

  Eric Ugland

  Air Quotes Publishing, Inc.

  Air Quotes Publishing

  Copyright © 2019 Eric Ugland

  Cover by Sarah Anderson/No Synonym

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This is a work of Fiction. Of Fantasy. All of the characters in this novel and series are fictional and any resemblance to people living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental and surprising. Mentions of places are incidental, accidental, and mostly mental. The secret passphrase is “chicken fricassee is frickin’ chicken, see?” The magic and spells have been researched in absolutely no way whatsoever, and any ill-effects after you attempt to cast them are completely on you. Any science is likely wrong considering the laws of physics are different in places with magic, you dig?

  Sorry Kent. But not that sorry.

  Also by Eric Ugland

  The Good Guys - Epic LitRPG/GameLit

  One More Last Time

  Heir Today Pawn Tomorrow

  Dungeon Mauling

  Four: The Loot

  Dukes and Ladders

  The Bad Guys - Epic LitRPG/GameLit

  Scamps & Scoundrels

  Roseland - Private Investigator Mysteries

  Series One

  Series Two

  Series Three

  To Andrew VanZandt

  I know you don’t read these books,

  but thanks for being a character in nearly all of them.

  Chapter One

  I was the first to make it up the rampart, and stood next to a young Dwarf who was very pale. Looking out across the open field, I could see why. I started to feel a little queasy myself.

  In the trees, as far as I could see from east to west, were the ursus. But unlike Borin and his folk, these bears looked mean. They had glowing eyes. Some had glowing claws. They held huge weapons, some on fire, others letting off smoke. And there were thousands of them.

  They just stood there, glaring at us, and our walls.

  Nikolai appeared at my side.

  “Gods,” he said softly.

  “Might want to tell Wian to rethink the going outside the gates thing,” I said. “I think he might upset the teddy bear picnic.”

  “Are they going to attack?” the dwarf guard next to me asked.

  “I’d imagine at some point they will,” I said. “But that’s why we have walls, you know?”

  It didn’t seem to placate the dwarf. He just stared out at the bears — I think taking in the vast difference in sizes. The ursus were massive creatures. And as you can imagine, the dwarves were not. They were about as wide, but the ursus had the advantage in height, weight, claws, and, almost surprisingly, hairiness.

  “I will speak to Wian,” Nikolai said. “You will have to figure out what to say to Lord Caticorix to keep him outside the walls without insulting him.”

  “How about just a few insults?” I asked.

  “While I fear a conflict with Valamir is inevitable given our current residents, I would prefer to deal with one enemy,” Nikolai pointed at the bears, “instead of being sandwiched between two.”

  “I do like sandwiches though,” I said.

  Nikolai glared at me, then stalked back down the rampart, off to find Wian.

  “What do I do?” the dwarf guard asked.

  “Stand here and look menacing,” I said. “Maybe get a step ladder or something.”

  He nodded, then did a double take. “Wait a minute, is that a short joke?”

  I smiled at him. “Just a little one.”

  He chortled, a short sharp bark of a laugh. I think he tried to shoot a comeback my way, but I was already moving. I had to go deal with a bootlicking asshole, and somehow keep him happy without letting him force his way inside Coggeshall.

  The open area of the town was basically empty — most everyone was either on the walls or inside either the mountain or one of our buildings. With hostile armies on either side of the town, why would you hang around outside?

  I stopped in front of the large gate and looked up at the big door. It’d be too easy for them to overwhelm me and get inside if I opened it up, and we weren’t ready for them. Not that I wanted them to come inside anyway. I wanted them to go away, to leave us alone. But I had the distinct feeling that wouldn’t be happening. They had too much on the line.

  But that left me few options in terms of how to go about talking to the man I needed to talk with. I made a note to ask Harmut to put a small door somewhere in the larger gate so we could mosey out and have conversations with visitors when the need arose. For now, the best option looked like jumping down the wall and chatting that way. This needed to be a face to face conversation. Politicking and all.

  So I moseyed up the stairs, and stopped to look over the wall. Some of the knights had gone, but there were still plenty there. Caticorix must’ve realized the show of force was no longer necessary, and so had his men stand down somewhere. Or maybe they were off looking for an alternate means into Coggeshall. Which they wouldn’t find. Unless, you know, they wanted to go up and over the mountains. But good luck.

  Caticorix looked up at me.

  “Duke Coggeshall,” he said. “How pleasant for me that you have returned. I hope everything is quite all right with your, uh, city.”

  “City?” I asked. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, bub. But, yeah, a minor issue arose. Nothing overly severe.”

  “Might you allow us the courtesy of coming into your little domain then?”

  “I can’t do that right now, Dave.”

  “Dave?”

  “It’s a thing. Look, I can’t let you in.”

  “I must insist.”

  “Bit of an impasse. Let me come down to you—”

  “Just open the gate, my lord.”

  “Yeah, I can’t, okay? Literally cannot. The gate is broken — you know how it is with new construction. What you get when you go with the lowest bidder. Government work. That sort of thing.”

  “Then how do you expect to get down here?”

  I leapt out and landed lightly on my feet.

  He looked down on me from his horse, and nodded. “Effective. Though you are trapped on this side now.”

  “I think I can make it back over,” I said. “But I figured we should probably have one of those conversations where we cut the bullshit and talk to each other.”

  He stared at me, ostensibly trying to measure me up. Given what I knew of the man, and what I intuited about him, he probably smelled a trap. He was definitely the type to eschew honor in order to get ahead, so naturally, he’d assume I’d do the same. Finally, he turned his horse around, and rode to a nearby knight. They exchanged some words quietly, and then Caticorix handed off his reins to the other rider before slipping off his horse. The other knights pulled farther back, providing Caticorix and me a modicum of privacy.

  Off his horse, I had a serious height advantage, but somehow the man still managed to look down his nose at me.

  “Your grace,” Caticorix said, “what is it you wish to discuss?”

  “I just want to get a few cards on the table. I know why you are here, and—”

  “And to what end is that, your grace?”

  “You want to come inside and look for the people you’re chasing.”

  “Is that my intention?”

  “That’s definitely my take on it. Why,
you got different reasons for being here?”

  “Perhaps I am simply an emissary from the Imperium looking to establish communications with our newest duke. A lowly lord tasked with unfortunate Imperial bureaucracy.”

  “We both know that’s not true. So just come out with it.”

  “You play a dangerous game, my lord. If we cannot hide our true motives, we are left with the truth, and that is likely beneficial for neither of us.”

  “Saves us time,” I said, “and, frankly, I’ve got too much to do to dick around with you.”

  That got him to stop looking down his nose at me, at the very least. Now he raised an eyebrow and did a poor job hiding his surprise.

  “Dick around?”

  “Yeah, you know, where you say you’re here on official Imperial business, and then I say that’s nice, but the gate’s broken, and you say you can help fix it, and I deny you because it’s against the union rules I’ve already signed in, and you say that you have a way to help, and I say I’ve got an awful rash, maybe we can have date night next week, and, at the end of the night, even though we’ve had a really nice dinner, you’re hoping to come upstairs for a nightcap, wink wink, I can’t let you in,” I said.

  “I am not sure I followed even a fraction of your nonsense.”

  “Makes two of us.”

  “How surprising. However, I am afraid I must get inside and complete my own mission. And if you lack the time to dick around, perhaps letting me in immediately would be the best course of action.”

  “See, therein lies the problem. I can’t let you in, and you don’t seem to be willing to leave.”

  “An impasse then, my lord.”

  “Precisely.”

  “This is a new city, yes?”

  “You know it is.”

  “I wonder how well you are stocked for the winter.”

  “Plenty full,” I lied.

  “It would be a shame if your sole access to the Empire was blocked, and you had no means to bring food or drink into your domain.”

  “That would put something of a damper on my import-export business, sure. But I’ve more than enough food for my people for the winter.”

  “Now, Duke of Coggeshall, I thought we weren’t lying. We both know you lack the means to keep your people alive for another few months here in the mountains. Especially once winter arrives.”

  “How do you know anything about what happens on the other side of these walls?” I asked.

  He just smiled at me.

  “I’m sure a little bird told you, right?” I asked.

  “Perhaps something along those lines.”

  “The way you speak to me, and the fact that you’ve got someone spying on me, means you don’t know me very well. Maybe you should ask your man on the inside how I treat those who betray me.”

  “Oh, my dear young duke, you are such a delight. Normally, these courtly games are full of intrigue and interplay, requiring so much mental exertion on my part. But then there is you. A breath of fresh air. I barely need think around you. Your attempt at threatening me is laughable. Really, it is. But I suppose it is enough of a sign that I might as well toss aside the curtains and really speak with you.”

  “Finally! Down to the brass tacks.”

  “You are harboring some people inside your city, people the Empire is very interested in. I am here to bring those people back to the Empire.”

  “This is the Empire, buddy. I’m not some different land.”

  “Back to the capital city.”

  “I’m not saying they’re here, but if—”

  “They are here. My — how did you put it? Little bird? I know they are inside. There are nine people you need to deliver to me, and should it be done quickly and quietly, perhaps I might convince my lord to let you remain alive. Though, naturally, your current recalcitrance will require quite the slap on the wrist, so I doubt I can make any sort of guarantee you will remain a landed noble of the Empire.”

  “So you know they’re here, huh?”

  “You would likely be shocked at the depth of my knowledge. Of all the secrets you think you can keep from me and mine. For example, I know that one of them has been your companion for quite some time. I know the two of you somehow escaped an inescapable jail, despite the jail’s insistence they allowed you out of your own free will.”

  “Dude, there was a vague chance in one of the hells I might consider turning over some of the others you’re looking for, but Nikolai is a friend. He’s not going anywhere.”

  “Sadly, dear duke, that is where you are wrong. It is only a question of when he goes. And how, I suppose. I hardly need him to be alive. And knowing Nikolai as I do, I very much doubt he considers you the friend you consider him.”

  “So the threats come out.”

  “These are not threats, your grace. These are merely facts. Your people chose to follow you, and that was their biggest mistake—”

  “Maybe your biggest mistake is standing out here with me.”

  He smiled. “Please, feel free to attempt killing me here and now. It will hardly benefit you.”

  I was so damn tempted to, but I knew there was something else going on, some other element. He had to know the violence I was capable of, and if he wasn’t afraid, he had a reason.

  Slowly, I reached out and tried to touch Caticorix.

  My hand went right through his skin.

  “Well shit,” I said.

  “Indeed, your grace,” Caticorix said, a sardonic smile on his face. “Thus it remains, it is only a question of when and how I achieve my goals. You will fail. Should you like the best possible outcome for you and your people, acquiesce. I will return tomorrow morning, and I expect the nine to be with you. And your gate fixed.”

  He disappeared before I could say anything.

  The knights, however, were quite real. They started riding away down the tunnel, the hoof beats echoing off the walls.

  Chapter Two

  I had to wave at the guards until they finally noticed me and then I did a full mime routine just to indicate I wanted them to open the gates to let me back in. It was definitely one of the more impressive moments of being a noble. I walked back into my walled town, a flutter of activity in my head, trying my damndest to figure out what the fuck I was going to do. Then I ran into Nikolai.

  Literally. I walked right into him, bowling the poor guy over.

  I pulled him up and brushed him off.

  “Sorry about that,” I said.

  “Something on your mind?” He asked, clearly perturbed.

  “Yeah, that Caticorix guy is a magic user. Or has a magic item with him. That wasn’t actually him.”

  “An illusion?”

  “Seems like it,” I replied. “He was somehow, like, not there. It was just a—”

  “Just an illusion of him. A common tactic when negotiating with an individual of unknown capabilities. Especially someone prone to violence. It might mean he is paranoid, or it might mean he knows you are, well, how to put it—.”

  “I’m not prone to violence—”

  “It is your primary means of engagement with the world, Montana.”

  “I wouldn’t say primary,” I said softly.

  He just gave me that dumbass look.

  “He wants nine people,” I said. “Tomorrow morning.”

  “Any nine?”

  “Specific, but I mean, I suppose I could buy us more time if I just gathered nine randoms and sacrificed them to Caticorix.”

  “Probably not the best idea.”

  “The new Coggeshall motto. He didn’t say which nine, so—”

  “Between Wian and I, I am sure we could discern whom he referenced, should it come to that.”

  “No way.”

  “There could be serious repercussions if you refuse this man.”

  “Fuck him,” I said.

  Nikolai smiled. “I knew I followed you for a reason.”

  “Because you’d be dead without me.”

  “Perha
ps two reasons, then.”

  “Are we also counting when you were forced to swear you’d be my mentor?” He shrugged and I continued on: “Caticorix has someone in here, reporting to him. He knows we’re light on food, and he seems happy to block the tunnel to keep us from getting any more supplies.”

  “A safe way to siege us, but it could very well be costly in terms of time, if not bodies.”

  “He mentioned knowing you,” I said. “And that if I thought we were friends, it wasn’t a mutual feeling.”

  “I might have known him when I was in the Thingmen. I did quite a bit of business with the peers of the realm, though I cannot say I remember Caticorix in any capacity. And if you believe him about me—”

  “I don’t. Just making sure you know what I know. Where is Wian?” I asked. “He must know something about Caticorix.”

  “Likely he does. But he is busy convincing the princess that there are no paths left to run. That they are stuck in here and reliant upon you.”

  “She’s ready to bolt?”

  “Beyond ready. I fear our princess does not have a vast well of courage.”

  “Bit sheltered?”

  “Somewhat sheltered, but sadly, she is more experienced as a refugee of sorts. She has been on the run for some time.”

  “Do we have a plan?” I asked.

  “Sadly, I cannot answer that,” Nikolai said. “I have no plans as of yet. We are waiting.”

  “I could sneak through our escape tunnel, go kill some of them.”

  “And give Valamir all the ammunition to turn the entire Empire against you? You cannot afford to be the aggressor in this.”

  “Even though he’s the one sieging my home? That seems pretty fucking aggressive to me.”

  “Ah, but no one knows this is occurring. If you go and start killing, that information will get out to the Empire immediately.”

  “The one time I want 24-hour news networks, and nothing.”

  “What is that?”

  “Never mind.”